Yesterday I woke up with a crink in my neck. I must have slept in an odd position. I couldn't really turn my neck much to the left or lift my arm.. it was quite painful. I spent the whole day walking around like some kind of robot. It is very difficult to look relaxed and confident when you are walking around like a stiff board, the crink in my neck also put quite a crink in my style ;-)
Remember the incident with the elevator I talked about the other day. Yesterday when I went to visit my dad, there was huge yellow tape with DANGER written all over it crisscrossed all over the elevator door.
My dad is getting ansy at the hospital. He's getting better but bored and not too happy about it. When I got there last night he was in one of his moods. As nice as I tried to be, he would not have any of it. If I asked him something, he answered with stuff like "WTF do I know" in a mean and sarcastic tone. If I tried to comfort him.. it was "What? .. do I look like I'm dying? " I sat there, grinned and took it. ugh! Sometimes I wonder if he even cares that he is so hurtful to me. I actually think it gives him some sort of joy to know he has that power over me. I go and visit him, hoping it will make him feel better to have some company and I come home depressed and hurt.
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Well, while I was writing this blog entry, my dad called and he is getting out tomorrow. Hopefully, this will put him in a better mood. Being the only child that lives close-by, the responsability pretty much falls into my hands. Sometimes I feel so alone.. not knowing quite where to turn to be able to breathe. I have friends, but not anyone I really confide in or turn to when in pain. There was one person that I believed cared, that I thought I could be very open and truthful with but now I realize doesn't really. Turns out words like: I'll be there for you, you can come to me anytime and talk, are just that: words. I guess somewhere inside of me, in my heart, I'm hoping he'll read these words and say.. no, no, no.. I'm here.. come, let me comfort you.. but my head comes back with reality.. and says: nah.. he doesn't even read this anymore.
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Just a tiny corner where I can be as quiet or loud as I feel like.
2 comments:
Oh, Maggie, wish I could give you a real hug.
Oh well, {{{{Eury}}}} but that will have to do.
I must admit, sometimes when I'm upset or frurstrated, like your Father must feel, I can be rather short and crass too. I'm not sure how he'd react, but if someone calls me out on being a grump, even just "Hey, Braden, lighten up, your being an ass." I tend to take heed. And acting nicer helps me feel nicer too.
Of course, some people will get defensive over that so it isn't a perfect piece of advice.
Hope you feel better! You're awesome
Thank you guys,so much, for the kind support. I'm sorry that I've been so whiny lately. It makes me seem so self-centered... doesn't it? and I don't want to be that kind of person.
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