New Year's Eve

Well, it's the end of the year and I'm just feeling sad and lonely. I feel invisible, like I'm here but it doesn't really matter.

We have this doodad to go to tonight, I 'm not into it at all.. just wish I could stay at home but, of course, I'm going to shlep myself there just so nobody is disappointed.

Great way to start the New Year.. huh.... ?

Man, I could really use a hug!

Eurydice's song

Since my username is Eurydice, I thought I'd share this poem with you.



Eurydice’s Song

And so you’ve come for me,
dressed up, suited out, high-stepping, flute and lyre hanging from your belt—you think you’re pretty hot.

Were you desperate for me? Or merely bored? Winter’s snows kept you warmer than my breasts? feet caressed your smooth skin, sleet kissed those lips puffed from fluting?

Or did other arms wrap your loneliness in a forgetfulness
more poignant than despair?

Was it love that brought you here? The anguish of absence? Or curiosity
and your hurry burly pride that dares everything? This was the tune
no one had played, this journey to the dark.

was your excuse, not your beloved.

You
were afraid I had forgotten you?
Oh, no, my smooth-cheeked boy.

You made
the trees waltz. Birds slowed their swift flights
to glide atop your rhythms. I could hold
a stone to my ear and the stone sang.

—William Borden, from “Eurydice’s Song”

Christmas.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and lots of fun with friends and family.

Here, the holidays have been pretty busy, but not crazy. On the 22nd, I had the supper with the people I sing with. Everything was delicious. Many people got up and sang a song, and we also sang alot of "chansons à répondre". That's where one person sings a song and then everyone replies in song. Many old French songs are this type. After the supper, many of us ended up at the Entr'acte. You may remember seeing it in a previous post. It is a pub; very rustic inside and there is no dance floor.. it is really a place to go and talk.

On the 23rd, I finally finished the calligraphy for the wedding album. Yay! There are just so many flowers and hearts and vines that a person can take.

On the 24th, I had my family over for a buffet supper. Food is piled miles high, the children open their gifts and we all just kick back and relax.

We had an unexpected visit from Santa. Donald is our friend and neighbor. He has played Santa for his kids since the last 4 years. He gets dressed up.. makes a bit of noise so his kids can actually see him putting presents under the tree.. and then he leaves and comes to our house. His kids watched him through their upstairs window. Nico is going to be 8 and there are alot of kids at school already telling him Santa doesn't exist.. and this made the magic of Xmas real for him. To me, Santa is the Xmas spirit... and taking the time to dress up and make it magical for your kids is what the Xmas spirit is all about.

When everyone leaves at something like 3 in the morning, we start to prepare for the 25th. It is pretty crazy. Make cake and then while that is baking, start making the turkey stuffing.. it is a weird circle... cook, eat, clean, sleep, cook, eat, clean, sleep.

I was really hankering to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" on tv at 8:00 but Fanny and Steven were not going to be arriving at our house before 7:00... so supper was later than normal and when 8:00 rolled around, people were still stuffing themselves with turkey and tourtière... suffice to say, I didn't get to watch it this year.

On the 26th, we had supper with our friends and neighbors.. Donald and Lyne.. Méghan and Nicolas were so excited to tell me about how they saw Santa putting presents under our tree and how they saw him enter our house. Their eyes were all lit up and they were still all wrapped up in the magic of the moment. It was wonderful to see.

Yesterday we had supper with Carmen and Michel. They also have 2 children. I told Kevin how Santa had come to our house.. So I asked him if Santa had left him gifts.. and he said, no.. his parents did, but Santa didn't because of course... he didn't believe in Santa anymore. There are no cookies and milk for Santa.. no carrots for the reindeer.. no spirit and no magic. Ah.. too bad! Maybe I'm just being too sentimental.

Today it is noon and I'm still not dressed, just running around in a robe taking it easy. I'm thinking supper will either be leftovers or pizza.. I'm not cooking today, even if you beg me!

only a few days left

With only a few days left, I have been running around trying to get several things done. Today I made 4 tourtières, (French-Canadian meat pies.. very traditional) and another batch of fudge as Simon and Sylvain gobbled up everything that was already made.

I also made some rolled Chicken tortillas. These are not at all traditional as you may have guessed, but everyone begs for them so I make a ton.

Besides all that I have still been working on that album. I'm starting to go cross-eyed.. but I think I 'll be able to finish it in time.

Tonight I have an supper with the group of people that I sing with. I'm hoping it will be alot of fun. I 'll let you know how it goes.

I thought I'd leave you with pictures of our house.. decorated with both lights and lots of snow.



and here's our reindeer "Frank"; as you can see, he's a bit snowed in.

xmas tree

Today, it was blistering cold outside. I worked on the calligraphy for the wedding album I have been working on since forever; I'm hoping to finish it for her before Christmas.

I really don't have much more to relate so I though I would share with you my Xmas tree!

home sweet home.

Sylvain had his Xmas party yesterday

The party was out of town, so we travelled there during a snowstorm.

The employees played curling before having a traditional turkey dinner. The curling club was actually very nice and all decked out for the holidays.. a 10Ft tree with lights and ornaments too, it was very pretty.

One of the kids fell on the ice and said he couldn't move. He was saying he thought he broke his leg too. An called an ambulance. They took every precaution in case he had hurt his back. A couple hours later he returned from the hospital with the boss. He was perfectly alright. I'm glad he wasn't hurt, but personally I think I would have been embarrassed to come back after making a huge fuss.. and taking an ambulance ride and not even have to put an ice pack on my injuries. Oh.. well... it was the highlight of the evening.

We slept at a hotel, or rather we tried to sleep. The bed was not very comfortable and I got only 1 wink out of the 40 I needed.

Ah... Home Sweet Home!

done -- finally!

I finally finished my Valentine's Day tickets. When I start the conception of these things, I'm totally engrossed into coming up with something different and special.. and don't think at all about how bored I will be having to do hundreds of them.

What starts off as fun turns into a production line. How do people do it? ... work on production lines... yes, I know it's a job and all that.. but I think I would go nuts. I imagine they turn off what they are doing and think about all different things.. but heck.. how much thinking can you do in one day anyways?


this is the ticket opened.. I already showed you my design sample a while back.. but now you won't have to look for it.



and here is the whole troup..jeez.. they almost look like an army.. :-P each packet fills one table of 10-12 people



Now.. finally .. I can get into Christmas!! Yay!

Gingerbread

Ah..today, I made gingerbread cookies. There is the wonderful smell of ginger, cinnamon and cloves hanging in the air, that truly makes the house smell like Christmas, especially for me.

When I was young, every Christmas, my mom would make them and we would decorate them with her. It was a tradition at our house and one that I do every year. Maybe it helps me feel I'm with her.. I miss her alot, especially at this time of year.

My mom and dad came to Canada in the '50's. My dad is Polish and drove trucks for the Americans in Germany during the war. After the war was over, he worked in a dairy, making cheese. My mom is German. They were very different and came from completely different backgrounds.

My dad came from a very poor family, what you would call dirt poor, I guess, since the farm he grew up on didn't have real floors, just dirt. In the wintertime, they would spread hay on the ground and even let the animals in the house if it was too cold.

My mother, on the other hand, came from a very fortunate family. Her grandfather was a mathematician and a pianist and her father had several businesses including a mill and a general store. My grandfather was the first man in his town to own a car.

They met after the war, got married and decided to move to Canada.

People around the world have different traditions.. Most Americans seem to celebrate Christmas by waking up Christmas day morning and seeing what Santa had left them. Quebecers, usually go to midnight mass and celebrate when they get home until the early morning hours.

Christmas at our house was always on Christmas Eve, just as it was for my mom when she was a child. We would go to sleep in the late afternoon so Santa could come.. and come, he always did.

We would each have a special plate with our name on it.. with special candies, mandarins, gingerbread cookies ... and my favorite treat, Marzipan. Ah.. Marzipan .. wonderful, delicious Marzipan.. covered with dark chocolate. It was shaped as a loaf or a half cigar if you want and was very delicious. She would send for it especially for Christmas. When I'm lucky, I sometimes find some in Montreal and bring it home for Christmas. Too often, there is none.

When we were young, my dad would drag us off to church. My mother would follow along but this was the only time of the year that she went to church. My mother was raised a Lutheran and when she married my dad, she had to change religion or they (the Catholic church) wouldn't allow the marriage. I think that may have turned her off religion. Did it really matter what church you went to.. did it really make you a better person? She didn't think so, and neither do I.

The other tradition we had was the breaking of the host. My dad would get a huge rectangular host from his country and he would get it blessed by the priest. The host was broken into the same number of pieces as the members of your family. You then go around and give a piece of your host to another member and tell he or she how much you love them and what you wish for them in the New Year. I guess the giving of the host was a sort of communion thing.. but we, as children, didn't think of it that way. Today, we still do this although we don't get it blessed by a priest and there is no longer any religious connotation connected to it.. but trading your pieces and sharing with your family, your siblings, your children ... looking them in the eye and telling them that you love them and are proud of them is very touching.

Then everyone opens their gifts. There are few things as gratifying as the smile on a child's face getting something he or she really wished for. Their eyes light up and everything seems good in the world for that moment.

Christmas Decorations

This weekend both of my brothers were supposed to come down. One came down yesterday but the other missed his plane and since he was only coming for a 24 hour visit, he will come down next weekend.

I spent a good portion of the day working on my St. Valentine's day tickets and the calligraphy for the album.

Tonight I went out and took a few pictures of the Christmas decorations in my neighborhood.

This one is very simple yet elegant.



the next one is at the corner of our street. I love that the lights go all the way around the house even the garage. Very pretty!


This is a local bar. It is not very far from where I live. It is not a very noisy place, just a warm and friendly spot where you can have a libation with a friend.


Here is a small log house. We have a little mining village in our town, that is considered historical. All the houses are log houses and very tiny and quaint. Here is one of them.


and these 3 snowmen were just so cute.. I couldn't help myself but show you.

Christmas Cards

I'm about to start writing my Christmas cards. I was just thinking about the kind and wonderful people I have met online (both at Worth and Artalyst). Most of you come here and read about my daily life.. some have left me encouraging words..others hugs when I needed them. I would love to send you, my friends, a Christmas card.

If you would like to receive one from me Email me here! with your address and I'll send you one.. with plenty of good wishes for the New Year.. we could all use some good wishes couldn't we?

You get the added bonus of getting a French Xmas card.. how special is that?

Really good day

For the very first time ever, I have dyed my hair. Up until today, it was a very dark brown.. almost black. It is now medium brown with streaks of caramel-like color. I'm still not used to it. When I look in the mirror, it is as if I'm looking at someone else. But I like it, it's very soft looking and pretty. At rehearsals tonight, everyone was complimenting me on it and said it was gorgeous and how well it suited me; always feels good to hear that! :)

It had been 2 weeks since I had been to rehearsals because of my dad's hospitalization.
Tonight was so much fun. Isabelle and I both had missed last week's practice where everyone works in ateliers.. so tonight we were both stuck pretty much site-reading. It was alot of fun. At first we made a few errors and were singing like tiny mice so no one would notice.. but by the end of the evening we were belting it out just like everyone else.

We also split up pour group into two different time periods, the medieval peasants and the citizens of the future, because there will be interaction between the both. I found out that I will be a medieval peasant. Alot of the people that will play peasants with me are people I truly enjoy and have lots of fun with. Yay!

Tonight was particularily energizing because in the story there is a dispute between the medieval peasants and the citizens of the future about whether a certain capsule is either a poison or a cure. There is alot of repeating going on.. and James was doing the roles of the soloists ... but lots of people kept screwing up and singing when it was the soloist's turn. It was very funny.. we laughed alot and had a great time.

I had a great day!

he's outta there!

Today, I wasn't going to see my dad, I was just going to call him, because I really needed a break but then he called and asked me to pick up a newspaper for him so finally relented and I did go to the hospital.

I promised myself.. that today, I wouldn't let him get me down and if he started that I would leave.

When I got there, I met up with one of the therapists and we all (my dad, myself and she) went into a room and had a little discussion. Since she doesn't speak much English and my dad, not much French.. I acted as liaison.

It seems in the morning they had him do chores and cooking. They made him make eggs and bacon and toast etc. Everything went well.

Tomorrow the group of therapists get together and discuss about the patients. She told me right off hand.. oh.. he'll be out in a few days for sure.

When we left the room, we met up with his doctor who said.. He can leave tomorrow.

Well.. my dad was ecstatic.. and for the rest of the afternoon was in a great mood.. and didn't give me one moment of strife.

When I left the hospital.. it was quite cold and the air was nipping at my ears..the walk is about 1/2 hour but I didn't care. I was just so relieved that it went well.

I feel better

Yesterday I was a jerk to someone I really care for. When I apologized, this person was extremely sweet and made me feel good instead of putting me down.

Going to see my dad so often, has not been good for my self-esteem. He just makes me want to crawl under a rock and cry. I can't let him do this. He has done it all my life, and wants me to believe that I don't deserve to be happy.

I can't let him do this... and I won't let him do this. I won't let him try to make me believe that I 'm worthless.

thank you, Heather and Los. for your kind words. They are appreciated. :)

Tough day, tough week.

oh.. my dad is giving me such a hard time. He is recovering very well.. but hates it at the hospital. During their evaluations, they have been asking him a gazillion questions.. that he finds stupid.. and have been making him do all kinds of movements and tests. He is not very happy.. feels they are treating him as if he is stupid or crazy.

Even though I go to see him everyday and sometimes twice a day, he dumps his frustrations on me. Now, it's all my fault I brought him into the hospital.. because he nows says he would have recovered on his own.. and I'm all to blame.

His girlfriend is not better. She just is so negative and has been putting a guilt trip on me because I don't want my dad living with me. My dad, on the other hand does not want to go into an assisted-living community. If you knew my history and everything that ever happened to me because of my dad, you would understand that I can't do it.

I've been trying hard to have a brave face and be strong. My brothers are far away and just figure I can take care of it all.

Besides that, I've gone and alienated someone I care alot for..

I feel so alone.. with no support anywhere.

Today.. I feel I can't do anything right. :(

a team of 12? Yep!

I went to see my dad at the hospital today.

They changed his room.. he is no longer with 3 women.. he is now in a room with just one other man.

When I arrived he was sleeping very soundly.. so I was surprised.. what's this? middle of the day? He didn't even hear me nor the huge buffing machine in the hall.

So I asked a nurse .. did you give him a sedative? Seemed that no.. not even a tylenol.

Soon after he awoke, he xplained that the night before (when he was in the room with the women) one of them cried all night.. and nurses were coming in and out .. telling her to calm down and don't cry.. so my dad didn't sleep all night. So after breakfast and a shower, they gave him a doppler exam in the morning to check his arteries.. and then did physical therapy.. so soon after lunch, he just fell asleep like a lump on a log.

He is doing well though, We walked around the floor he is on several times because he was bored out of his skull.

As well as he seems, they have a policy that if you have a stroke, no matter how mild, you have to be evaluated before you can leave.. especially if you live alone.
So I have seen 2 different specialists already .. have answered tons of questions.. but neither of them have seen my dad yet.. I almost feel as if I am the one getting tested.. lol

So, they will only start evaluating him on Monday. A team of 12 different specialists.. can you believe that? I live in the province of Quebec and we have governmental health care. People pay a tiny portion of their salary and everyone gets free health care. I cannot believe what this would cost if we lived in the US. It would be ridiculous.

Anyways, tomorrow he wants me to bring him Xmas cards and his list.. so he can write everyone. If only he could wait until Monday.. I would love them to see this.

I talked to his doctor (a cutie, by the way) that said.. that he didn't think they would keep him very long.. but that is how things worked.. it takes a team of 12 to get released from the hospital. :-P

----

Besides that.. sometimes living in a small town stinks!! Especially when you are looking for certain art supplies. I looked all over last night and couldn't find what I was searching for. I finally found it on ebay this morning. I wrote the seller , who lives in the States and she was a sweetheart. I don't have to wait for the auction to be over.. I paypalled the money and she mailed it out today. Yay!
------

the apology

James called me. He was inquiring about how my dad was doing and then slithered the conversation over to what happened at the meeting. He gave me a half-assed apology along the lines of: I'm sorry it happened but it was not my fault and blamed someone else. She on the other hand blamed him.

As I look back on that evening and the little subtle things that happened, I know for certain that both he and the president knew and were just too chicken to tell me, leaving me in a awkward and embarrassing situation. It just shouldn't have happened.

I think you can tell alot about a person by how they own up to things and this tells me alot.


Anyways, I'm not a very vindictive person. I think this piece is amazing and I want to be part of it..I will still sing in it.. and I will still help paint sets etc., because I want the production to be a huge success. I actually like the new director and his set/costume designer and they have no fault here. It would be easy to make them the target, but why? They were not the ones that were dishonest or not forthright with me.

I did let James know though, that I was very disappointed because I deserved better, not only did I do alot of work for nothing.. but I didn't like having to feel like a fool. I didn't scream at him, I just simply told him .. how it made me feel. I could feel his embarrassment through the phone... at least it was not in front of a whole bunch of people; I wouldn't do that.

putting things into perspective

Normally, tonight, I would have had a rehearsal. I was wondering how it would unfold because of last's night events.

Today, during lunch hour my dad had a mild stroke. I guess that puts last night's events a bit more into perspective. It was maddening but not the end of the world.

His girlfriend called me and said.. something is wrong with your dad. I had spoken to him earlier and he seemed just fine.. so I was surprised but went over to see him. Well.. he couldn't speak except to say the word no! .. I tried to get him to put a coat on and bring him to the hospital.. but he wouldn't let me.. so I called an ambulance.

When we arrived at the hospital.. he couldn't speak and he was slightly confused but he pretty much understood what was going on. Slowly during the afternoon, he started to regain his speech, although partially. He had a scan and it revealed that the stroke was mild... it also revealed that he already had a a mild stroke before but they couldn't tell how long ago.

He was tired.. so I came home close to 4 o'clock. I went back around 6:30 and he was feeling much better. How do I put this nicely.. my dad is not the easiest person.. and was irritated that he hadn't eaten yet.. and sort of yelled at me. I figure if he has the strength to be mean.. he probably is feeling alot better.

Anways.. they will keep him at the hospital for a few days, they want to have a therapist work with him to help him regain his speech.

My mom died over 20 years ago and my dad has lived on his own since then.. but we may soon have to think about if he should live in some sort of assisted living community. He is not very young. When my dad got married.. he was already almost 40 years old, so he is in his 80's now.

oh..

and for some odd reason, Norrit started a thread in the Sugar Shack.. about me, and several people added to it. I have absolutely no idea why, hopefully it's not because I'm sad case.. but I must say.. on a day like today, it was just so refreshingly nice.. to have something good like that happen. It was like getting a huge hug.

let down

Well, I had my first production meeting.

It didn't go well. First thought that will probably come to your mind is that they didn't like the work I did... but I wouldn't know.. because they just never got to see it.

I'm going to backtrack here a bit to better set up the situation.

I do graphic design.. not enough to make me rich.. but enough to keep me happy and bring in a little money. I do mostly small quantities but unique and creative things.. like wedding invitations or gift certificates that looks like gifts and not certificates. I also do alot of posters and programs for local art shows, plays and concerts.

I also sing with a troupe that does large productions every other year or so. I do their posters, their programs, tickets.. have painted sets.. sewn costumes.. and made accessories (everything from pandora's box to Cerebus). Although regional, these productions are quite big .. costing several hundred thousand dollars.

This year we started a new production in September. I was approached in the summer to see if I was interested in doing the costume designs. At that moment, I didn't even have an idea what the piece was going to be about, but I was looking forward to the challenge and said yes.

So.. September rolls around, they bring me the script.. the music.. the roles. The story will move around alot.. between medieval times and the future. At this point, they haven't chosen their director yet. They have interviews set up and will be choosing in October.

I have started doing the costume sketches. preliminary stuff.

November.. Date is set up when I will meet the new director and set designer and we will hash out details.. tiny changes that need to be made.. so everything comes together and looks good and not like a mish-mash.

Now, James, the musical director has final say about everything. He started this project and it's his baby. Everytime I see him.. so.. Maggie.. how are the designs going? I can't wait to see them! etc., etc.,

Several weeks ago.. I'm walking with James, he lives a mere 5 minutes from where I live.. and he's telling me they have chosen the director. He mentions that the director usually works with a set designer and a costume designer... but that he was very adamant that I do the costumes. At this point .. I have several designs done.. but none of them are inked. I say.. you know James, if he's used to working with this other person.. I don't have to do the costumes.. NO, NO!!! I want you to do them, I trust you.. and bla.. bla.. that's it, that's all.. I can't wait to see what your great ideas are.


The meeting gets set for the 30th of November. The director is actually coming up here on the 29th.. and hashing through the storyline and music with James.

At this point, I'm a little nervous.. getting my stuff ready for the 30th. I want to make a good impression especially since I'm going to be replacing someone he is used to working with.. I better not arrive with nothing to show. I spend the last two days.. just coloring the designs on computer.

When I arrive.. James is there.. and so is Bruno who wrote the scenario and lyrics. James looks uncomfortable and for the very first time doesn't jump all over me saying.. hey.. Maggie.. show me what you have created... etc.,

I'm thinking he is just nervous about the production meeting.. how will it go etc.,

Finally everyone arrives .. introductions are made. When I'm introduced.. the president is kind of weird.. instead of saying this is Maggie and she will be doing the costume designs.. she fuddles and says something like.. This is Maggie.. she's done alot of different things for us during the years.. set work, graphics.. and she smudgingly says something about costumes.. but it's not very clear. Everyone else around the table seems to have a clear mandate about what their part in this is, except for me. I'm a bit bewildered why I was introduced this way, but just take it in stride as an overlook and although a little annoyed.. just let it go.

I'm sitting directly beside the set designer and the director. So.. I start to show the set designer what I have come up with.. and I literally see her take a quick breath.. there is a moment of hesitation.. and I immediately sense something wrong.

Here is what is wrong. She is not only the set designer.. she is also the costume designer. They are not two different people. They are "one". She works with this director.. they are a team. The day before they came to meet James and Bruno and explained this is how they work.. only thing is .. they neglected to tell me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see James.. looking down at the table, and it's as if time stops for a second.. feels almost like slow motion. I see the president.. all uncomfortable at the other end. They are uncomfortable? what about me? I'm embarrassed. I have a huge pile of designs.. and this woman is in the process of explaining that she designs her costumes around her sets etc., etc.,

I'm feeling like they think I'm some over anxious eager-beaver that is interested in them looking at my designs. I quickly shove the pile together and put them back in the manila envelope.

I'm angry.. but mostly hurt and embarrassed. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. I 'm not angry at the new director or set designer.. it's not their fault they work this way. They were very warm, creative people and I liked them. I am angry with James.. who pushed me to continue and whom after I specifically said that I would be willing to back down.. said.. NO!!
I did all this work.. and I might as well put it in the trash. Nobody will ever see it.

If you met me, you would know that I'm not a very controversial person. I'm honest and will share my thoughts if I think it will matter.. but I don't like fights, I don't provoke people.. actually I am quite easy going. So.. I didn't stand up and make a fuss.. I didn't overturn the table and call them names.. I just sat there.. very quietly.

After the meeting I talked to the president. She pretended that she didn't know that I wouldn't be doing the costumes.. but I know better.. just from her introduction.. I'm not sure how little before the meeting that she found out.. but she knew.

Now .. I'm anxious to see how do they announce this demotion to the troupe. How are they going to take it back. Also.. how embarrassing will it be for me when they announce it..or will they just not say anything and pretend it never happened. I have rehearsals tonight.. I want to see James look me in the eye and apologize. Will it happen? I 'll let you know.