let down

Well, I had my first production meeting.

It didn't go well. First thought that will probably come to your mind is that they didn't like the work I did... but I wouldn't know.. because they just never got to see it.

I'm going to backtrack here a bit to better set up the situation.

I do graphic design.. not enough to make me rich.. but enough to keep me happy and bring in a little money. I do mostly small quantities but unique and creative things.. like wedding invitations or gift certificates that looks like gifts and not certificates. I also do alot of posters and programs for local art shows, plays and concerts.

I also sing with a troupe that does large productions every other year or so. I do their posters, their programs, tickets.. have painted sets.. sewn costumes.. and made accessories (everything from pandora's box to Cerebus). Although regional, these productions are quite big .. costing several hundred thousand dollars.

This year we started a new production in September. I was approached in the summer to see if I was interested in doing the costume designs. At that moment, I didn't even have an idea what the piece was going to be about, but I was looking forward to the challenge and said yes.

So.. September rolls around, they bring me the script.. the music.. the roles. The story will move around alot.. between medieval times and the future. At this point, they haven't chosen their director yet. They have interviews set up and will be choosing in October.

I have started doing the costume sketches. preliminary stuff.

November.. Date is set up when I will meet the new director and set designer and we will hash out details.. tiny changes that need to be made.. so everything comes together and looks good and not like a mish-mash.

Now, James, the musical director has final say about everything. He started this project and it's his baby. Everytime I see him.. so.. Maggie.. how are the designs going? I can't wait to see them! etc., etc.,

Several weeks ago.. I'm walking with James, he lives a mere 5 minutes from where I live.. and he's telling me they have chosen the director. He mentions that the director usually works with a set designer and a costume designer... but that he was very adamant that I do the costumes. At this point .. I have several designs done.. but none of them are inked. I say.. you know James, if he's used to working with this other person.. I don't have to do the costumes.. NO, NO!!! I want you to do them, I trust you.. and bla.. bla.. that's it, that's all.. I can't wait to see what your great ideas are.


The meeting gets set for the 30th of November. The director is actually coming up here on the 29th.. and hashing through the storyline and music with James.

At this point, I'm a little nervous.. getting my stuff ready for the 30th. I want to make a good impression especially since I'm going to be replacing someone he is used to working with.. I better not arrive with nothing to show. I spend the last two days.. just coloring the designs on computer.

When I arrive.. James is there.. and so is Bruno who wrote the scenario and lyrics. James looks uncomfortable and for the very first time doesn't jump all over me saying.. hey.. Maggie.. show me what you have created... etc.,

I'm thinking he is just nervous about the production meeting.. how will it go etc.,

Finally everyone arrives .. introductions are made. When I'm introduced.. the president is kind of weird.. instead of saying this is Maggie and she will be doing the costume designs.. she fuddles and says something like.. This is Maggie.. she's done alot of different things for us during the years.. set work, graphics.. and she smudgingly says something about costumes.. but it's not very clear. Everyone else around the table seems to have a clear mandate about what their part in this is, except for me. I'm a bit bewildered why I was introduced this way, but just take it in stride as an overlook and although a little annoyed.. just let it go.

I'm sitting directly beside the set designer and the director. So.. I start to show the set designer what I have come up with.. and I literally see her take a quick breath.. there is a moment of hesitation.. and I immediately sense something wrong.

Here is what is wrong. She is not only the set designer.. she is also the costume designer. They are not two different people. They are "one". She works with this director.. they are a team. The day before they came to meet James and Bruno and explained this is how they work.. only thing is .. they neglected to tell me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see James.. looking down at the table, and it's as if time stops for a second.. feels almost like slow motion. I see the president.. all uncomfortable at the other end. They are uncomfortable? what about me? I'm embarrassed. I have a huge pile of designs.. and this woman is in the process of explaining that she designs her costumes around her sets etc., etc.,

I'm feeling like they think I'm some over anxious eager-beaver that is interested in them looking at my designs. I quickly shove the pile together and put them back in the manila envelope.

I'm angry.. but mostly hurt and embarrassed. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. I 'm not angry at the new director or set designer.. it's not their fault they work this way. They were very warm, creative people and I liked them. I am angry with James.. who pushed me to continue and whom after I specifically said that I would be willing to back down.. said.. NO!!
I did all this work.. and I might as well put it in the trash. Nobody will ever see it.

If you met me, you would know that I'm not a very controversial person. I'm honest and will share my thoughts if I think it will matter.. but I don't like fights, I don't provoke people.. actually I am quite easy going. So.. I didn't stand up and make a fuss.. I didn't overturn the table and call them names.. I just sat there.. very quietly.

After the meeting I talked to the president. She pretended that she didn't know that I wouldn't be doing the costumes.. but I know better.. just from her introduction.. I'm not sure how little before the meeting that she found out.. but she knew.

Now .. I'm anxious to see how do they announce this demotion to the troupe. How are they going to take it back. Also.. how embarrassing will it be for me when they announce it..or will they just not say anything and pretend it never happened. I have rehearsals tonight.. I want to see James look me in the eye and apologize. Will it happen? I 'll let you know.