The jar at the back of the cupboard

I've been doing alot of searching lately.. searching for myself. Who I really am.. or at least the person I was meant to me. Seems I had lost myself once apon a time and I'm not sure exactly when, but I put myself into a jar.. and closed the lid.. and shoved it to the back of a cupboard.


Nothing drastic happened that I threw myself in a jar all at once.. it happened over time.. slowly.. stuffing a tiny bit of myself into that jar.. stuffed it up so full.. that almost all of me was in there.. and I became a smiling yet empty shell.

Now, that jar could have stayed at the back of the cupboard never to be found
again..or if found.. just to be thrown out..something that's been closed up like
that for so long ... surely couldn't be good anymore.

But who would have figured...something happened and that jar was found and the lid opened.. and all of a sudden, for the first time in a very long time, I feel I can breathe.

Everyday I visit the jar and take back a little bit of myself... the part that danced around the house to music.. just because it felt great.. and didn't care what anyone thought. The part that that wasn't afraid to try something new, that was not uncomfortable with her body, that had desires and fantasies, the part that was spontaneous and had confidence in herself; the part that was truly alive.

It is a bit scary.. learning to try and trust your feelings again... so much emotion all at once.. you want to stuff it all back in the jar... go back to your very safe but boring life.. but somehow it all just won't fit in back into the jar anymore.