I'm so over it.. I'm happy

Well, yesterday ... after over a year, I finally decided to clean out the garage. When my ex left, he took whatever he wanted.. well, I didn't exactly stop him, I was a sobbing wet rag that couldn't see farther than the blur of tears in my eyes.

He took all his tools, and he had plenty of them, duplicates, triplicates... and left me with nothing but a bunch of junk, some shovels, gardening tools, the lawn mower and our freezer. The garage is full of junk though.. left over bits of wood, of wool isolation (let's just say, it's yellow and it's very itchy). There is stuff in the rafters, but I 'm going to have to search through all that... I hate going up in a ladder but I don't have much choice.

The night before I went out to the garage and found the light was burned out, so I brought in 2 different bulbs, mostly because one looked a little grey and I figured it might already be blown, and I guess I was too lazy to do 2 trips. So I set up the ladder to the side.. and barefoot (yes, you heard me right... you'd think someone who recently had chopped off the top of her thumb would be more careful, but hey... I'm reckless... a real James Dean ;-) ) Anyways, I climbed up a few rungs... it hurt quite a bit as the rungs are round...and holding on with one hand (which incidentally was holding on to the second bulb) and outstretched in the opposite direction, I tried out the grey bulb first. Yay!... it worked.. then I dropped the other bulb which exploded with a soft shatter on the cement floor. Heh.. of course ,you remember that I'm barefoot right.. well.. I did get down and manage to get out without cutting myself.

Last summer, I was not ready to clean out the garage. To start with, I had no energy... and emotionally, I just couldn't deal with it. Everything that was his, that was ours... it was just too much to deal with. I wasn't sure what my reaction would be now, but I was pretty secure in the fact that I would be alright. Since several months now, I feel very happy, very strong.. (ok, not confident about everything... but strong in a different way, in a quiet way, which is hard for me to explain). I truly knew that I was alright though when 2 incidents happened that really showed me I was on to my own life now and I had really turned the corner.

Last thursday, I went downtown and stopped into an office supply store and one of the women that works there, was all.."Maggie... it's so good to see you, I haven't seen you in ages, you look well... bla, bla"..and I explained to her that I was no longer with my husband... and a short synopsis of what happened..and she said, you know what? I just saw him the other day and he looked embarassed to see me, and odd... and I was wondering what was wrong with him that he looked unhappy. And it just didn't bother me.. didn't make me happy, didn't make me sad... I just felt very indifferent about it. Then on Monday night, as I was bringing the garbage to the curb, my neighbor from across the street started to talk to me. I went over to see their new porch they built and we were talking. Edith starts with.. you know, we saw Sylvain the other day... and Alain and I were remarking that he didn't exchange for better.. bla, bla.. that his new partner works as a cashier and that she doesn't smile and she's "bête comme ses pieds".. an expression to say that someone is unhuman, and not friendly etc., and so different from you that is always friendly, and smiling etc., and I just thought.. I just don't care! ... you'd think I'd get some satisfaction out of that, but it just didn't affect me at all.. I had no sense of revenge or YAY!! .. I know that seems implausible.. but I swear that's just how it felt.

If you are out there in a similar situation.. feeling that your life is over because someone left you like you were a piece of trash... I promise you... you'll be happier and much better for it. Anyone who could leave you that way, without trying to work it out, without any remorse, without any caring for being together for years... never really loved or appreciated you... you are better off without them. I couldn't see that last year. I do now.

So, anyways, I haven't cleaned much of the garage..there is a ton of stuff that's got to go.. if I find anything that is good, I'll try and sell it in a garage sale later this summer. It was actually quite liberating.. taking back "MY" space.

When I came in I was pretty pooped, and a bit tired, but started watching a show called "So you think you can dance?" I thought .. ok, cheezy..but actually , these people could really dance.. they could move to the groove, push their tush... swing those hips. They were paired in couples and each had a different style to do...there was everything from ballroom dancing, 80's disco and hiphop. Heck, even the ones the judges said were not so good, were pretty amazing to me. I was very tired, my eyes.. just wanted to close... but I couldn't stop watching. Anyways, I don't care what anyone says.. I was very entertained. I was literally cheering them on.

Well, that's it for today... if you stopped by.. please leave a word.

Oh, I updated my list of blogs, but there may be a few I haven't added yet, if I missed you and you'd like to be added..please let me know.

signing off for now, see you all soon :-)