no place to go but up

Last time I posted I talked about how I wasn't going to let myself be hurt anymore. How I was going to be strong and happy. I had wasted 2 months torturing myself. I was ready to get on with it and be happy and get back in shape and feel good. What I hadn't realized was that the last 2 months had actually taken a much worse toll on me than I ever had realized.

About 2 weeks ago, I decided I'm not going to let this happen to me anymore, I'm going out every night and take a walk and try to get back into shape. I was never an athlete but I was used to going up and down 4 flights of stairs a few times an evening and then sing for 2 hours without a problem but I was feeling so tired and figured not going out for 2 months had me pretty out of shape and a bit of walking and I would be up to par again.

The first night I went out I was glad it was dark out as I was ashamed to tell anyone that I had to stop 5 times to take my breath because I couldn't go any farther. I was like I couldn't open my ribcage. I was shocked but thought, well, tomorrow it will be better and reasoned everything with how tired I was and how much lack of sleep I had this summer etc.,

I went out for several nights.. each night it was the same thing. Once I actually got it done in 4 but then the next night I was back to where I started. I cried ... right there at the bottom of the hill.. in the dark where nobody could see me. What was happening? I really needed rest.

I slept a bit more and even took a nap in the day time thinking i'm just really overtired. I kept telling myself.. give yourself a little time, doesn't take long to go downhill but slowly and surely I would get better and be ok. I really tried to have a positive attitude. Then on Monday and Tuesday I just felt very drained. I just went from one room to the next and found my heart was pounding. On Wednesday night, I was trying to relax and watch a movie but my heart was pounding like it wanted to leap right out of my chest and my throat. My left arm started to feel paralyzed.. what the heck was happening. I got really scared and went to the hospital. I thought for sure I was having a heart attack.

When I got to the hospital they took an ECG and then the doctor listened to me heart. He asked about the last time I had seen a doctor and I told him in the spring and he was very upset and said you have a huge heart murmur and they nobody has done anything about it.. He was starting to get angry because apparently it was pretty bad. He kept listening to it and making me squeeze my fists together.. or push to make a hard stomach. He told me they would be keeping me over night with the monitors and first thing in the morning I would be seeing a cardiologist.

Well, 20 minutes later he was back because he had just received my blood tests. Apparently I was running low on juice. I only had 40% of the blood in my body that I should have. Meaning I had 60% of the blood in my body that I had lost. My heart was going nuts because it was acting like a pump that didn't have enough liquid. have a Within the hour and for the next 12 I received a blood transfusion. 4 units of blood.. or 2 quarts approx. A normal body has about 5. I was running on 2.

When the blood tranfusion was over, I then had to have tests to see where I was bleeding from. They give you something very disgusting to drink to flush out your plumbing. It's not quite drano but not sure it tastes any better.

They then scheduled me for a colonoscopy and a endoscopy. One after the other.
Both of these entail entering your body with cameras and doing a strip search. They started with the colonoscopy. I've told other this because I found it funny.. You get to watch on a monitor. You at first see the operating room and then oops.. the camera turns around and there you see a nice round butt.. and I couldn't help thinking.. hey.. that's me.. We never really get to see the view back there.. :-D
Anyways.. seems the plumbing is just fine.. it's as if the pipes were installed yesterday. Even the doc seemed impressed. As lovely as they are .. we'll leave them on the inside and not show photos here. ;-)

Then it was on to the endoscopy. Oh.. it's really rough getting a tube jammed down your throat. My gagging reflex was in full force and it was horrible. It did go down the second time around and it only took him a few seconds to see what was going on. I had bled from my stomach probably for a couple of months. Not aggressive bleeding. Very slow and minimal but continually. Somehow all the stress and angst and torture I put myself through.. I had irritated my stomach walls to the point of them slowly bleeding. We are not talking huge drops here.. and that's why I never knew. My stomach was all up in knots and sore but I thought it was my nerves and my anguish and it was but it had actually physically hurt me.

My husband left me and what little self-esteem I had left I stomped on and tortured myself to the point of almost dying. When I finally decided to take care of myself and get back in shape it was already much too late. My body was already in distress and just couldn't take it.. it was too much exertion. I'm lucky to be alive.

What a wake up call... When you hit rock bottom, there is no place to go
but up and that's my intention.


Although I now am at about 80% ... it feels amazing.. better than I've felt in 2 months. I still have to be careful though because I'm still anemic but slowly and surely I should get better.

My rehearsals started back on Saturday, but I was still in the hospital. There were 2 practices on Saturday and 2 on Sunday. I'll go for the first time tonight. I'll do my best and when I get tired, I'll take a little rest. It's going to be good to get back to doing something I love with people I really enjoy. From what I hear so far, they are having a blast, so hopefully my new posts in the future will be of more joyful and fun things in my life.

Last Wednesday, I started a drawing for an illo contest I wanted to enter called "Survival". Unfortunately, I hadn't had time to finish it and when I got home the submit was already over. So.. I'll show it to you here. The iris is the flower of Quebec... I used it to represent me. Although I have felt strangled and very hurt, and it's been a huge struggle, I will get through this.