I walk beside a joy that is not mine.

This last week has been pretty horrendous. I've been in pain and vacillating completely between being a responsable person and doing what's got to be done and falling completely to bits and not being able to eat or sleep.

Last Wednesday, my husband came home after supper and very blank-faced and unemotionally told me he had met someone, that liked what he liked, and that he now only loved me as a friend and that he was leaving.

There was no fight, no confrontation, no ritual .. no nothing. I asked to see someone together.. to work it out.. but no.. he was not interested, instead he packed up his car with as much of his personal belongings as he could and walked out.

I was in utter shock. I had felt a lack of passion in our marriage for a while now.. he was always too busy, too tired.



The night he left.. I felt it was certainly all my fault. I'm not your regular housewife/mate. I don't have a 9-5 job, don't wear sensible shoes, don't like office clothing and fancy hairdoes. I work part-time at home, don't make very much money, I bake and cook and take care of people.. I draw and take pictures and create things.. I sew and like being barefeet and wearing long skirts. No.. I'm not the typical wife.

I don't think he ever was really very interested in the things I did, or created.. but enjoyed telling others that his wife was an artist.. because that was a "cool thing".

Most of you know I'm an admin at Worth. These last few months, Worth has actually been my saving grace as it has kept my busy and company all those lonely nights he wasn't here and I believed he was working. At first I felt like such an idiot to not have seen it.. not have noticed.. but I trusted him, implicitely.

This last week, Worth has again helped me.. to keep my mind off of putting myself down.. blaming myself, because that is exactly what I was doing.

I felt ashamed, I felt like an utter failure. What if 's were roaming through my head. If only I had.. were too.

It felt like he had beat me up and left me on the floor and just left. I could only blame myself. I didn't leave the house. I didn't want the neighbors to see my puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.. I wanted to disappear into thin air. Surely they would ask themselves.. how bad it must have been for him to leave. Of course it must have been my fault.

I felt this way.. and felt so guilty because a few months ago.. when James left his wife.. I couldn't see how it could not have been his wife's fault. James was the good guy.. that I knew.. now I was just like her.. and realized how easy it was to misjudge. I had told Sylvain all about James. That I couldn't see how it was his fault. My husband, although always a little emotionally cold, was not a bad husband. He didn't beat me.. he made sure we ate well and had a roof over our heads. I often felt guilty wanting more passion in our lives.. I thought I was being selfish.
I never expected this..nobody expected it. He was the good guy! huh? So that made me the 'bad' guy.. no?

I walked around the house, his shoes were no longer there.. his personal effects on his bureau, gone .. and his drawers were empty. It was like he was dead, but worse.. . he was out there .. laughing and smiling and I was left crumpled in a corner, crying and having to tell the whole world that I had failed.

I told a few people at Worth.. not many.. but a few that held me up and kept me together.. they were my glue. You meet people online.. and you have never physically touched them.. but you are friends.. and affected by them.. and they opened their hearts and held me together. Kitten was online the night it happened. She told me she wasn't going to come online but felt compelled to.. felt as if she should. I usually don't like to lay my problems on people.. ok.. I rant and rave here a bit.. but normally.. I don't call someone with every little passing thing. She was extremely kind and caring. I told Arsi who told me it wasn't true that it was my fault.. that it was not me the failure.. and he said "you have to talk to Cyn". Cyn has had some rough times in her life.. but still manages to be very compassionate and caring .. and so strong. I admire her SO much. She gave me lots of good advice, and she opened up her heart.

Tampadan wrote me... and asked .. how are you doing.. when I told him.. he wrote me a very warm heart felt letter expressing concern and also not letting me get down on myself. He's an incredible friend.


They held me together.. They gave me advice... helped me see I was not a terrible person.. that I had not failed.. that he had failed me.

Last night for the first time I slept a whole 5 hours and only woke up once in the middle of the night. The night before I had gotten a mere 2 hours. Amazing how weak yet how strong a person can be.

I still haven't slept in our bed. I sleep on the couch. I'm not ready to do that yet. I slept an hour here and hour there.. literally from exhaustion .. my body simply shutting down.


Today, although I still feel and look like a trainwreck.. I have decided that it isn't my fault. I talked to my neighbor outside for the first time yesterday. Jame's wife heard about what happened and came here with the first rose from her garden. I have found people to be incredibly compassionate and caring.

I'm not saying I am perfect ... but I now realize that I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't fail.. I didn't drop the ball. I was just the victim here.

In the last week I have done at least 10 illustrations for the Draw a Worthian Contest. I had made promises. MMM was leaving on a short vacation. I promised to do his h2h's. I could not let him down. As much as it may seem to be a burden to do work at this time, it was actually a relief.. it helped me keep my sanity.. it kept me busy and doing for others made me feel better about myself. I've tried to keep my head up.. and smile through the tears.. and it's been good for me. It may not be everyone's solution.. Some may wallow in drink and food. This helped me.

Today, I can say I'm not alright yet.. but I know I can make it. I don't want to fade away.. I don't want to lie down and be stepped over. I want to be happy again. I must.

Accompagnement (Saint-Denys Garneau)
Je marche à côté d'une joie
D'une joie qui n'est pas à moi
D'une joie que je ne puis pas prendre

Je marche à côté de moi en joie
J'entends mon pas de joie qui marche à côté du moi
Mais je ne puis changer de place sur le trottier
Je ne puis pas mettre mes pieds dans ces pas-là
et dire voilà c'est moi

Je me contente pour le moment de cette compagnie
Mais je machine en secret des échanges
Par toutes sortes d'opérations, des alchimies
Par des tranfusions de sang
Des déménagements d'atomes
par des jeux d'équilibre

Afin qu'un jour, tranposé,
Je sois porté par la danse de ces pas de joie
Avec le bruit décroissant de mon pas à côté de moi
s'étiolant à ma gauche
Sous les pieds d'un étranger
qui prend une rue transversale.


Translation:
I walk beside a joy
Beside a joy that is not mine
A joy of mine which I cannot take

I walk beside myself in joy
I hear my footsteps in joy marching beside me
But I cannot change places on the sidewalk
I cannot put my feet in those steps and say
Look it is I

For the moment I am content with this company
But secretly I plot an exchange
By all sorts of devices, by alchemies,
By blood transfusions,
Displacement of atoms,
by balancing tricks

So that one day, tranposed,
I may be carried along by the dance of those steps of joy
With the noise of my footstep dying away bside me
With the fall of my own lost step
fading to my left
Under the feet of a stranger
who turns down a side street.