Tomorrow will be a month

Tomorrow it will be a month since he left.

I wish I could say that I feel great, but it wouldn't be true. I still haven't slept in our bed. I still sleep on the couch and I don't sleep enough. I am getting better though, I don't cry as much unless he comes by, then it's really touch.

Saturday he came and got more things. It seems anything he wants, he just takes and whatever doesn't interest him anymore, well we can keep. He took every tool he has, and he has so many of them. I told him he needed to give me some, so he bought me a set of pliers, a measuring tape and a several screwdrivers in one screwdriver. I still have a hammer from before I met him.. a small thing, good enough to hammer in a small nail I suppose.

We had so many nuts and bolts, and nails and screws and widgits and gadgets.. all gone. He didn't even leave me a handful of nails and screws. It was my fault, I shouldn't have let him come and take things, but I wanted it over with.. I just wanted him to leave and not have to see him anymore.. not have to go through the pain anymore.

Today, I'm pretty angry about it all.. He didn't have the decency to be honest with me. He never said a word about being unhappy. He was like he always was, mostly emotionally cold. He was tired and wasn't interested in me, my needs or my thoughts. Of course he must have been tired, screwing around on the side.

I can't say there is no pain anymore, there is.. but today I have made a decision. To try and not let him hurt me anymore. Someone who could make me cry for a whole month and not care doesn't deserve my love nor my tears. When I asked if we could get counseling, maybe we could work it out.. heh, he said it wouldn't change anything. To throw so many years away in an instant like a light switch on/off.. how could he ever have truly loved me? For a whole month I was wrapped in my pain, almost comfortable in it knowing that it meant that I didn't take our life for granted.

Nobody is perfect, but looking back I see that I let him walk over me. In the last few years..and especially this last year, I've been working hard at being stronger, believing in myself, trying to have confidence in myself and being brave. I'm starting to wonder if this scared him. I'm nterested in many things that he couldn't be bothered with, perhaps it was too hard for him to keep up.

All the time we were together, I would always look at the positive things we had... and didnt' harp on the negative things that weren't alright. Now, I look back and see the negative.. because I have to, because it will be the only way that I will be able to take back my person.. take back my life.. to be able to breathe and be happy.. to get him out of my system.. To look at that and be able to say, I'll be better off without him. He's the loser here.. I'm not a bad person. I'm a caring and loving person who is smart and interesting and he's the one that is a fool.

I also want to thank everyone that left comments here, that wrote me personal messages and emails.. that told me, Maggie.. you are a good person, he failed you! Everyone who told me to be brave and offered their hugs and caring. I know how banal it seems to say it, but all your words of kindness and caring and wisdom have truly touched my heart and are helping me through this.