Yesterday, I was feeling very vulnerable. I don't know if all artistic people are so sensitive. I try to put what I create aside from who I am but sometimes it is just difficult.

Competition... is a good thing, because it fuels you up to do good work, but when what you thought was good turns out not to be to anyone but you.. you feel like crap.. and very mediocre. I hate feeling mediocre. Although it isn't over, the result is evident. I pretty much knew I was going to lose, but I thought I would at least go down kicking, not that I would just lay down and get trampled on. It's so humiliating.


Trying to put myself in a better mood, I thought I'd fool around and record myself.. ... am I weird or what? anyways I lay down under my computer desk.. and plugged in the microphone that I had laying around on a shelf. After trying to use it.. the sound wouldn't play so I screwed around in the settings...probably mixed something up ... and lo and behold now I had no sound at all... no music.. (the day the music died.. bye, bye miss american pie, took my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry.. and good old boys drinking whiskey and rye, saying this will be the day that I die.. this will be the day that I die)

Well.. so I come up with this stupid idea of restoring the computer.. hoping the setting would go back.. and while it is restoring, I push back on my computer tower .. just a tad.. you know it was a little out of place because of placing the mike.. and it started to make noise like some type of tractor trailer. Quite unnerved.. I shut everything down and went to bed.

This morning I got up and opened it up.. to see what it was.. boy .. it had alot of dust bunnies! Anyways.. besides the fan on the power supply it has two other fans.. so I unscrewed them and cleaned them out really well.. and after reattaching.. rebooted the computer to the wonderful loud sound of whirring fans and no more farm machinery noises. I think that probably when I moved the computer one of the hanging wires in there probably was hitting the back fan and making all that noise.

This evening I went back under my desk and found the primarly culprit.. Yes, I found myself! I'm the culprit, because while connecting the mike.. or vacuuming earlier in the day.. turned off the on/off button on the subwoof and didn't notice it. Of course now that I had played around with all the different setting and possibilites.. I still didn't have sound. After fooling around for awhile I finally got all sound back.. I'm so relieved.

Anyways.. all this to say, when you are feeling like you are chopped liver or whatever metaphor you want to use for that "ARGH!!!!!" feeling you have.. don't even try and cheer yourself up ... you just make everything worse... go to bed, close your eyes and tomorrow will be a better day!

---for the curious.. This is what I was wanted to record:

Moi, si j'étais un homme, je serais capitaine
If I were a man, I would be the captain
D'un bateau vert et blanc,
Of a green and white boat
D'une élégance rare et plus fort que l'ébène
of rare elegance and stronger than ebony
Pour les trop mauvais temps.
to weather the really bad times.

Je t'emmènerais en voyage
I would bring you to see
Voir les plus beaux pays du monde.
the most beautiful countries in the world.
J' te ferais l'amour sur la plage
I'd make love to you on the beach
En savourant chaque seconde
Savoring each second
Où mon corps engourdi s'enflamme
My body ignited
Jusqu'à s'endormir dans tes bras,
Until I fall asleep in your arms
Mais je suis femme et, quand on est femme,
But I'm a woman, and when you are a woman
On ne dit pas ces choses-là.
You don't say such things.

ll faut dire que les temps ont changé.
It should be said that times have changed
De nos jours, c'est chacun pour soi.
These days, it's everyone for themselves
Ces histoires d'amour démodées
These stories of old fashioned love
N'arrivent qu'au cinéma.
Only happen at the cinema
On devient économe.
We are becoming economical
C'est dommage, moi j'aurais bien aimé
It's too bad, I would have loved
Un peu plus d'humour et de tendresse.
A bit more humor and tenderness
Si les hommes n'étaient pas si pressés
If men weren't in such a hurry

Ah ! si j'étais un homme,
Ah, If I were a man
Je serais romantique...
I would be romantic

maybe one day, If I do record it .. I 'll put it here :)